Everything Mart

Welcome to Everything Mart! Today, you will start your first shift in our store. As a valued member of our team, we wanted to give you one last rundown of your responsibilities when you work this shift:

1. Your productivity quota must be met each day, to ensure your continued employment here. The tasks you do each day [FILL ONLINE ORDERS, RESTOCK SHELVES, CLEAN MESSES] will contribute to this quota.

2. Most tasks in the Everything Mart require you track down our brand-unique fresh products. These "living products" must be processed in-store, and at their appropriate processing stations, to ensure maximum product freshness.

3. Work together with your coworkers to complete your tasks each day, and do not [RUN THEM OVER WITH A SHOPPING CART, PELT THEM WITH THROWN OBJECTS OR PRODUCTS, LEAD HOSTILE ENTITIES THEIR WAY, etc].

Finally, while you may have seen worrisome reviews from past employees about the presence of hostile [ENTITIES AND/OR MANAGEMENT], please disregard this libelous slander. After all, Everything Mart has no past employees!

With all that being said, good luck on your shift! Please work hard and fill your quota each day so that you can continue your employment as a member of our family; after all, we'd hate to have to [TERMINATE] a new employee!